Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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