He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
