Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
