Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
