hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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