my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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