i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
