So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
