Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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