Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
