is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He told me they were just razor bumps!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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