I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
