We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dick very happy bro
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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