I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
