So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
