I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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