the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
