Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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