I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
