You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
