just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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