Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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