At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
