Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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