I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
