life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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