4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
