I skipped work to stalk him.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
