New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
