Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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