I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
