Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
