btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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