he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
