u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
