I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
