Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
