i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
