We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
