don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
