it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
