you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
