just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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