So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
