and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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