Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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