Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
