I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
we're so committed to being not committed
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
