last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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