I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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