funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
