The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
