my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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